


Physics

by ununpentium



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Bad Sex, Humour, M/M, Meta, Unrealistic Sex, all men go gay for sherlock holmes, where did the lube come from?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-01
Updated: 2011-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:10:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununpentium/pseuds/ununpentium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Typical fan fiction sex between suspiciously semi-naked!Sherlock and straight!John</p>
            </blockquote>





	Physics

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Physics of fan-fic sex](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/5651) by Mallamun. 



> Based on the hilariously true post "Physics of fanfic sex" by mallamun.tumblr.com which prompted me to write this.
> 
> No offence is intended and this is not supposed to be based on anything I have read, more my own hilariously bad attempts at writing smut which have never been published.

“Sherlock?” John was hovering behind the sofa with a worried look on his face. Sherlock simply quirked an eyebrow at John from his position on the floor. He was lying on his side, dressing gown slightly apart to reveal a sliver of pale flesh.

“Fuck, this isn’t helping,” John shifted from side to side.

“Another erection, John?” Sherlock smirked.

“How did you- no, we are not talking about this,” John replied in a strangled voice. “It would help greatly if you stopped lying around in strange seductive poses, though.”

“Experiment.”

“Everything’s a damn experiment with you!”

John contemplated going into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, because tea solves everything, but he was still stuck behind the sofa hiding his erection like a schoolboy.

“Join me on the floor,” Sherlock purred and the sound went straight to John’s cock, only serving to make it harder.

“What are you doing-”

“I know you’re attracted to me. I know you’re impressively hard right now. I appear to be lying on the floor in nothing but my robe, how terribly convenient, and so we should make use of this situation.” Sherlock had let his robe fall open even more, exposing his shoulders and collarbones.

John swallowed, hard.

“I’m straight.”

“And I’m Sherlock Holmes. All men go gay for me.”

John couldn’t really think of an argument for that. He stepped out from behind the sofa and joined Sherlock on the floor. Sherlock gently cradled the back of John’s head and drew him in for a slow, luxurious kiss. John allowed his eyes to close and relaxed into the kiss, letting out a small moan of pleasure.

“Clothes, too many clothes,” Sherlock panted and urgently started pulling John’s jumper over his head as John unbuckled his jeans. Sherlock shrugged out of his robe and knelt over John on all fours, staring down at his nearly naked body. He leant down to place a row of kisses over John’s hipbone and worked his way down until he was hovering over John’s boxer clad cock. Sherlock glanced up at John, who was breathing heavily with lust blown eyes. John nodded, and Sherlock slowly pulled the boxers down John’s hips, freeing his hard cock. Once Sherlock had completely removed John’s boxers and thrown them into the corner of the room, Sherlock turned his attention back to John. He licked a tentative stripe up the underside of John’s cock, eliciting a moan from John. Sherlock nuzzled at the reddened glans, darting his tongue out to lick the head, before expertly swallowing down as much of John’s cock as he could, covering what he couldn’t read with his right hand. John started to tremble and threaded his fingers through Sherlock’s hair, urging him down further. Sherlock bobbed his head up and down, making sure to cover his teeth with his lips and hollowing his cheeks in a way that made John cry out with pleasure.

“Fuck, Sherlock, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come,” John wailed, fingers grasping Sherlock’s skull almost painfully. Sherlock hollowed his cheeks again as John tensed up, flooding Sherlock’s mouth. Sherlock sucked gently through John’s orgasm, swallowing when John had released every last drop. He let John’s cock fall from his mouth with an obscene pop.

Sherlock crawled his way up John’s body and claimed his mouth in a bruising kiss. They kissed for long minutes and John become more and more aware of Sherlock’s arousal pressing into his thigh. Sherlock started to grind his hips against John’s in slow, maddening circles. Sherlock closed his eyes and moaned softly, letting his hot, hard erection slide over John’s slick and rapidly hardening cock.

“God, I’m getting hard again Sherlock. I’ve not had recovery times this quick since I was a teenager.”

Sherlock simply smirked and trailed his hand down John’s torso, circling his hip, and dipping downwards between John’s splayed legs. His finger circled John’s hole, making John gasp.

“Can I?” Sherlock’s voice deepened even further and John moaned.

“God, yes, you can do anything.”

Sherlock reached behind him to rummage under the cushions of the sofa. His hand found the small bottle of lube and he flicked open the cap, squirting a generous amount onto his fingers.

“Where’d you get the lube, Sherlock?”

“Not important,” Sherlock covered John’s mouth with his own as his fingers found John’s hole and teased his entrance. John deepened the kiss and spread his legs further in invitation. Sherlock dipped a finger inside John, who groaned.

“Fuck, do that again.”

Sherlock thrust his finger inside John again, this time brushing his prostate which elicited utterly pornographic noises from John.

Sherlock huffed and withdrew his finger. John keened at the sudden loss and sat upright.

“What the fuck? Keep going, for the love of god don’t stop now!”

Sherlock stared up at the ceiling.

“I bet the person writing this isn’t even gay.”

“Er. What?” John’s forehead was creased with confusion.

“Someone is writing this rather unimaginative account of us having sex. I bet they aren’t even gay. Excuse me, you know you can’t just go poking around for the prostate like it’s a button?”

Um. Are you talking to me, Sherlock?

“Yes, I’m talking to you. You’re still writing this, in fact. I take it you wanted to use a dramatic device to urge your readers to continue, maybe injecting a bit of humour?”

 You caught me.

“Oh, John, our writer isn’t even a man! What does a twenty something year old female know about sex between two men? Oh, you’ve just read a lot of gay fanfiction. Watched a bit of porn, too. You know, it’s not very realistic.”

Oh, well. I apologise.

“The thing with the lube just made me look like a sexual predator that stores lube across the flat in easy to reach locations. Really, not good.” Sherlock frowned up at the ceiling.

John cleared his throat.

“Uh, can we get on with this? I’ve had this erection for ages. Getting a bit uncomfortable now.”

Sherlock shook his head and lowered himself back over John, reclaiming his mouth in a long, bruising kiss. His still lubed fingers started teasing John’s hole again. He inserted two, gently scissoring them, feeling John start to relax around him. John grew impatient and started to grind down on Sherlock’s fingers. Sherlock inserted a third finger, twisted his hand slowly and started to thrust in and out of John.

“Fuck, Sherlock, just fuck me, please, fuck me,” John gasped.

“I would love nothing better,” Sherlock purred, slowly withdrawing his fingers. He reached for the lube again, ready to slick up his cock when John grabbed his wrist.

“Forgetting something?”

Sherlock let out an impatient sigh.

“You want to use a condom. Why?”

John looked puzzled. “Safe sex?”

“But I just gave you a blow job and swallowed afterwards. You didn’t tell me to use a condom then. You’re a doctor, surely you know the risks of unprotected blowjobs?”

“Yes, I know that, but the person writing this… You’re sure someone’s writing this? Well, _she_ doesn’t know that.”

Sherlock sighed.

“Right. Condom it is.” Sherlock reached back under the sofa to find a condom and hastily opened the wrapper with his teeth.

“Seriously, my _teeth_?”

I’ll ignore that.

John guided Sherlock as he rolled the condom down his erection and briskly applied lube over the top. John dropped his head back down as Sherlock lined up against John’s hole, teasing his entrance. John let out a shaky breath as Sherlock pushed in slowly, placing a hand on John’s stomach to steady them both.

“God, you’re so tight, John.”

“Straight, remember,” John ground out.

Sherlock continued to move tantalisingly slowly until he felt John completely relax around him. He started to thrust, making both of them moan.

“Oh, fuck, fuck fuck fuck,” John panted in time to Sherlock’s thrusts. A bead of sweat tricked down Sherlock’s face and dropped from his chin onto John’s collarbones. Sherlock dropped his head to suckle at John’s neck.

“Touch me Sherlock, fucking touch me,” John wailed. Sherlock trailed his hand down John’s torso until he found John’s length and made a fist around John’s cock, pumping in time with his thrusts.

“How many times,” Sherlock panted, “do you want to say _thrusts_? It’s off-putting.”

“I’m close, oh god I’m close,” John started to tremble and Sherlock increased his pace, pounding into John. Sherlock’s breath hitched as he felt John tighten around him and then stiffen in his arms. John let out a broken keening sound as he came, spurting over his own chest, his orgasm wrenching out Sherlock’s own. Sherlock’s vision went white as pleasure exploded through his body. He thrust shallowly through his aftershocks, then withdrew as he started to soften, swiftly removing the condom.

He lay down next to John, throwing one leg possessively over him.

“That was fucking amazing,” John exhaled. Sherlock smirked.

“Told you all men go gay for Sherlock Holmes. Though I don’t rate this writer much,” Sherlock’s eyes travelled to the ceiling yet again, “where exactly did I just put that used condom then? Did I throw it on the floor? Did I tie it up and dispose of it correctly? Did it just vanish?”

Um, well-

“And _all men go gay for Sherlock Holmes_? I know I’m confident in my own abilities, but I’m not that narcissistic.” Sherlock frowned.

Okay. Time to leave it here? Saving and closing the word document now.

John giggled softly, “Men do indeed go gay for Sherlock Holmes.”


End file.
